It All Ads Up
by Random Guise
Summary: Through the Quantum Leap Project Sam Beckett leaps into the life of a minor advertising writer and tries without success to replicate the style of the old Burma Shave ads. I don't own these characters, but I do think there are a few times the commercials are better than some of the shows I've watched.


It All Ads Up

"Al, why haven't I leaped yet?" It was one of Dr. Sam Beckett's favorite questions to ask Al Calavicci.

"I don't know Sam," Al responded through his holographic image "Ziggy says you were supposed to come up with some catchy ads and leap afterward. Maybe you didn't do a good job filling in for Thomas." While saying this Al struck a handheld device in his hand, as if the shock might produce more information. Despite additional blinking lights and a few electronic cries, no enlightening data was added.

Thomas Klepper was a minor advertising writer for a very large company that created marketing campaigns for dozens of corporate clients. All information pointed to him suffering from a mental block at a crucial time for the company, which would result in a firing and personal downward spiral that would affect many. His assignment was to come up with advertising for a smaller business that owned several coffee shops called Coffee Break. Through the Quantum Leap Project, Sam had leaped into the body of Thomas in order to perform some task that would change history in some manner. Ziggy the computer seldom got the prediction of what needed to be done correct, but it was still the biggest clue as to what needed to happen before Sam could move on.

Just then Jeff Harden, Thomas' immediate supervisor came in. "I just tried your ideas on the department head, Klepper. You may not be surprised to learn they didn't go over very well. I mean, come on; this is 1981. Burma shave signs are gone and dead. Just look at these:

Rest rooms ahead are clean  
Without a spot  
Comforting to know  
When you drank the whole pot  
-Coffee Break

Eyes off the cup  
But on the road ahead  
They may not serve coffee  
To your hospital bed  
-Coffee Break

I add creamer to coffee  
To improve the taste  
But too much sugar  
Goes to waist  
-Coffee Break

Running late for coffee  
At girlfriend Maisie's  
Pushed his luck  
Now he's pushing daisies  
-Coffee Break

That extra cup  
And extra smile  
Just might get you through  
That extra mile  
-Coffee Break

To not enjoy coffee  
Is such a waste  
It's ironic random guys  
Doesn't like the taste  
-Coffee Break

On mountain curves  
It's hard to stop  
Don't be like your coffee  
Good to the last drop  
-Coffee Break

SLOW DOWN this warning  
Couldn't be bolder  
Don't have EMS pull you  
Out of your cup holder  
-Coffee Break

Coffee will keep you awake  
Only for so long it's said  
Caffeine is no substitute  
For spending a night in bed  
-Coffee Break

Coffee without a treat  
Can be rather dull  
But look off for food  
And your drink might  
Come with a roll  
-Coffee Break

When you drive  
Keep lids on tight  
Hot java burns  
Are no delight  
-Coffee Break

If you're starting to doze  
Rest stops are rife  
Lest you start  
Dreaming of coffee  
In the next life  
-Coffee Break

Don't drive too fast  
To empty a full bladder  
Filled funeral seats  
Are even sadder  
-Coffee Break

White 'stache in the mirror  
It isn't a dream  
You're not getting older  
It's just whipped cream  
-Coffee Break

Weaving through traffic  
Trying to get through  
An I.V. may deliver  
Your next cup of brew  
-Coffee Break

Driving much too fast  
To impress your dates  
You won't miss your appointment  
At the pearly gates  
-Coffee Break

"I know Mr. Harden, I wrote them" Sam said. "They've been gone long enough now that some people haven't even seen those types of ads before. And there's always going to be people that like the classic stuff. Some of them are funny, and they all make you think."

"Classic stuff? Another way to say 'It smells moldy to me' is what I think. And who's going to pay attention long enough to read a series of signs while driving down the interstate doing 70 or more? Don't get me wrong, I'm all for safety and all that. But you keep talking about the coffee like it's in the car."

"It is. They got it in the drive-through."

"You mean a drive-up?"

"No, a drive-through. You order your drink and pick it up as you drive by a window" Sam explained.

"Sam!" Al exclaimed. "Coffee shops don't have drive-throughs yet; mostly it's just fast food right now."

"I mean they will, just like fast food" Sam continued quickly to Harden. "I really think it's going to head in that direction. People are going to want coffee while they drive."

"And spill it on themselves too" Jeff said, not convinced.

"No, that's what the cup holders are for; they can hold coffee or other drinks. Not the ones like inside the glove compartment. I mean real trays that slide out, or are built into consoles or arm rests."

"I thought a cup holder was the person in the passenger seat, but you might have something there; the company has a client right now developing a van for family use called a Small Everyday Family Carrier And Van. I've seen some early SEFCAV concept sketches, and it would be a good place for the passengers to hold their drinks safely."

"You could put holders in the front and back areas of a minivan for everyone to use" Sam said.

"Minivan? Is that what you called it?" Jeff paused and mulled over something. "Minivan. Thomas, that is a great name for it. It says everything, it's short, and hopefully not trademarked yet. If it is we'll just claim it as a generic name in the public domain. Thomas, you're coming with me. You are now officially working the auto account."

Al waved "Goodbye Sam, I think that was it."

Sam looked pleased until he started to feel that familiar tingle before a leap. "All because I called it a mini..."

With a flash of light he was gone from the ad agency and reappeared in a tropical setting.

"...van?" Sam finished asking.

"What?" asked the man standing next to him.

"Cut!" yelled a man standing at a distance. "Where is that in the script? We don't improvise on Fantasy Island."

"I'm sorry Phil, I thought Charo was asking me a question" Van Johnson apologized. Off to the side, the actor Ricardo Montalban waited patiently.

"Charo?" Sam looked in a reflection of a lighting mirror and saw his image as that of a shapely Latin woman. "Oh boy."

The End

* * *

 **A/N: On a whim I wrote these little coffee blurbs to be patterned after the old Burma Shave signs that were roadside advertisements in the form of verse spaced over several miles of traveling, even before the widespread use of billboards. They do pop up in a few movies and TV shows that are set during that period. (Click on the book cover art for an example.) They tended to alternate between safety warnings and ads for shaving products. There were a lot of Burma Shave slogans made over decades; if one of these seems too similar it's an accident. They make a cameo in the pilot episode of Quantum Leap. Hey wait, I could work Sam into a story...**

 **For the record, I haven't seen the episode of Fantasy Island that had Van Johnson and Charo in it.**


End file.
